Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I party with great urgency now.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
