i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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