Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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