You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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