MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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