I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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