well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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