woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She just used a chaser for red wine.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
