My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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