I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
