The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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