I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
