i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
