No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
