Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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