I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
