after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
