I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The best revenge is premature balding
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
