Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
