By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
