And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My vagina just recognized that song.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize