the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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