where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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