the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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