Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
