I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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