So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
