Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
