Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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