happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
