I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
