Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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