im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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