When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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