I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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