Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
