Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
this is an emotional support booty call
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
