I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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