we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
How's work?
Spinning.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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