life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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