the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
