i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
