I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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