dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
