you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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