gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
