he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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