so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
