i wish my penis had a tongue
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
