she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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