After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
