Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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