moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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