2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize