You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
