M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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