remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize