I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
