don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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