I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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