The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She's the barista slut.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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